I Have No Idea What I Am Doing. I Just Know I Need To.
Guess how many times I have started this first sentence? About 12. Or at least that is where I stopped counting. Typing. Back space, back space. Typing. Select all. Delete all. Typing. Eye roll. Typing. Back space. Swear at computer. Swear at myself. Typing. You get the idea.
Why so much self-doubt? After all, they are just words, right? Wrong! It is my belief that words have power. They go out into the universe, becoming thoughts, translating into actions. They have the potential to shine brightly, resonate powerfully and positively; and equal potential to cause pain and destruction. I do not take what I say or write lightly. Words are not neutral.
It is a large decision for me to commit to paper what floats around in my head and spirit. To take it a step further sharing it outside the safe confines of my computer screen. Feels like a step off a ledge. You are the individuals I aim to bring the best of what I have learned thus far to. You are the unique spirits I want to lift up and make whatever weighs you down feel not quite so heavy. You are the ones I see coming to class for a million reasons, but all culminating in the same desire to be well. It is my sincere hope these words resonate with you.
Who the hell inspired this?
My inspiration and gratitude is for those that have gone before me and shared their inner most thoughts. The gorgeous and unique spirits that show their darkness alongside their light. I found myself feeling less alone as I read their words and followed their stories. Some I have known personally, some I have not, but consider all my Heroes. It was in their voices that I began to find mine. It is their vulnerability that pushed me forward and past my fears.
So here I am. Reminding myself that my story, my voice, is of value and to be brave. Responding to the self-conscious voice in my head, that I am recognizing is not my voice at all, but rather a product of those that chose to keep me quiet for their comfort over the years. Determined I say to that false voice, “Shut the hell up, I spent too much time being quiet. I speak up and out. I ring my unique bell to let the other wild bells know where I am and I am here for them. This is me.”
June Full Moon & My Quiet
When the new moon arrives I start to reflect on the intentions I set last month. Have they manifested? Are they still in progress? How have I transitioned? What has been challenging for me? How did I receive and react to those challenges? Sometimes I ask and get answers. Other times its like the universe is exhausted of me. I get no response and it is just quiet…Quiet….More quiet…..Even more quiet……Then there it is……. The answer…………. Quiet.
We (myself fully included here) are quick to fill the stillness. How often do we allow ourselves to sit in silence, alone with our thoughts, our feelings, our experiences? Alone, with the weight of our own being to keep us company? If we are always running from difficult emotions and experiences how will we ever understand them? Yoga has the potential to bring us deeper into our being, beyond the surface of ourselves, into more understanding. The drama and chaos of life are not going to go away. But that depth, the understanding, the very path to it, empowers you to bear those things you cannot control. Those things presented to you when you least expect it. Coming to the realization that we often cannot change or chose the elements we are surrounded by day in and out. That change is perpetually happening around us and within us. We can only change how we approach it. We can learn in that depth and understanding we have the ability to respond rather than react. The capability to observe the change you see in each event, knowing it is part of the journey. Knowing you were created to evolve. Your very survival depends on it. Transition is guaranteed. How you approach it is in your hands.
Let me be clear, sometimes a real shit show hits. It is not easy to find your quiet and hold your space in the middle of life’s chaos. A few weeks ago it happened to me. I found myself in the middle of the utterly unexpected. Suddenly, I had to yell at my lungs to inhale and exhale. I had to tell the screaming in my head to be silent. I had to guide my heart to stop pounding. I had to tell myself to be quiet…Quiet…
I was quiet. Perhaps the first time in my life, in chaos, I was quiet. My breath steadied. My heart rate slowed. I felt the fear, the sadness, the frustration, but did not allow them to lead me. I was quiet. It took effort and energy. It took conscious thought. There were moments when I observed the feelings. I cried. Hard. I told myself quiet does not mean not feeling. I dried my tears and returned to the quiet, which patiently waited for me each time.
I breathed into the center of myself. I found a place I now know because of my practice. A place I didn’t even realize was forming, until I was witnessing a crisis, and calling upon it. I am learning how to welcome feelings, not be owed by them. I am learning to observe my surroundings, not be overwhelmed by them. I am learning to hold that quiet space, even when others attempt to disturb it.
In the days and weeks that have followed it has not been some blissfully serene experience of floating above the stress. It has been a constant challenge to find my quiet. To observe what is changing and how I need to evolve. Some days I knock it out of the park, other days I can’t find the park at all. But I am aware now. I can see what I could not see before in how I approach my life. This is often frustrating. Very frustrating. As they say ‘ignorance is bliss’. I refuse to have my bliss served to me on a plate of ignorance. I want to understand things as they are. I welcome the frustration of waking up to where I need to grow.
Over the past 6 months I have completed my yoga certification. I have devoted a large amount of time to my personal practice, physically, mentally and spiritually. It has been hard work. It has been uncomfortable. It has disrupted assumptions I have been making as long as I can recall. It is with consistent effort I grow. I often need to break in order to rebuild the pieces in ways that serve this new me. But really not new, I am setting free the voice and vision that was buried deep within me. I am remembering who I have always been. It is with the support of those who see me and inspire me that I open up. It is accepting that the work of understanding is never completed. That life like yoga is a practice. Practice does not make perfect, it makes growth.
May you find quiet in the drama. May you find peace in the chaos. May you find yourself.
Ring Wild & Unique
Certified Yoga Instructor, RYT-200
Certified Schwinn Cycle Instructor
For more Wild & Unique Life Vibes follow Amanda on Instagram @amandameredith333